


Distance

by Kaiyou



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angsting, College AU, M/M, demi kenma, lowkey kagehina, lowkey kurodai, postcanon, semi-onesided bokuken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 02:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6311107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaiyou/pseuds/Kaiyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenma always felt like romance was something other people had to deal with. He was perfectly find just having friends. But when his friendship with Bokuto makes him start to have new and unknown feelings, everything just goes sideways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Distance

**Author's Note:**

> This story was in large part inspired by the song "Distance" by Christina Perri (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROqTa1mn_qc). The song's been rattling around in my head for a while, but it only attached itself to this pairing today. Hope you enjoy.

For most of his life, if asked, Kenma probably would’ve said he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body. Sometimes Kuroo would try to talk about the love stories he read, or get Kenma to watch sappy romantic comedies. It was, at best, boring - at worst rather mortifying. When Kuroo fell head over heels for the Karasuno captain, he’d had to put up with Kuroo pining away and writing stupid love notes that he never sent and trying to figure out the best way to confess.

It was so troublesome.

Kenma was incredibly thankful when they finally figured out that yes, they liked each other, and yes, long distance romance was a thing.

Granted, the long distance romance led to even more pining from Kuroo, but at least he kept it to a manageable level and bought Kenma apple pie whenever he wanted to sit and talk.

Romance was messy, full of uncertainty, and seemed far too much of a hassle for anyone to reasonably engage in.

Kenma never ever expected to fall in love. He was perfectly happy with a future free from romance.

It would’ve been so much easier if things had stayed that way.

But they didn’t.

In high school, Bokuto had never really been his friend. He hung out with Akaashi sometimes - Akaashi was never pushed. But Bokuto was always bugging everyone to practice when Kenma was already exhausted. It wasn’t that he disliked the ace. Bokuto was nice enough, he supposed (even when he tried to pile meat on the plates of whoever he thought wasn’t eating enough). It was more that he was Kuroo’s friend, and not Kenma’s. Kuroo’s other best friend. Other people might’ve gotten jealous, Kenma supposed, but in a way it was nice to know that Kuroo had someone else to talk to when all Kenma wanted to do was play video games and relax.

He never expected college to change any of that.

But it did. 

Bokuto and Kuroo roomed together in college the first year. He was out most of the time when Kenma visited. The few times he was around Kenma was pleasantly surprised to find that Bokuto actually did do things other than volleyball. One night Kuroo had broken out the console and set it up for all of them to play Mario Kart. 

It was unexpectedly fun.

Bokuto was so incredibly competitive. Kuroo played games with him, but he was never quite as into them as Kenma and that spoiled some of the fun. But Bokuto - Bokuto played to win. When he won he was so incredibly enthusiastic that Kenma couldn’t even feel bad. When he lost, he picked back up. Kenma had expected to see moment of the famed Bokuto slide into depression, but a few comments from Kuroo steered them clear of that.

By the end of the weekend, Kenma was surprised to find that his cheeks hurt from all the smiles he’d hidden behind his hair.

When Kenma graduated, he followed Kuroo into the college he and Bokuto attended. Akaashi came as well, and the four of them got an apartment together because it was easier. Kenma found himself looking forward to quiet afternoons with Akaashi, video game evenings with Bokuto, and mornings curled up reading and playing video games with Kuroo. 

It made perfect sense to him. Things could’ve continued to go that way.

But they didn’t.

Daichi transferred to college in Tokyo near them, and Kuroo spent most of his free time over at his boyfriend’s apartment making up for lost time. Akaashi’s major meant that he was at the library more often than not. Kenma’s classes weren’t quite so bad, so he ended up spending most of his time around the apartment - or trying to, at least. 

Bokuto didn’t always let that happen.

Kenma’s last roommate was in the same boat he was, having suddenly lost two of his good friends to romance and schoolwork. Kenma was used to being alone, so it didn’t bother him too badly. Bokuto, however, was not.

Kenma found himself dragged out into the city at weird hours. Bokuto took him to an arcade, which was great, especially when he got to see him play Dance Dance Revolution. They went to an aquarium because Bokuto wanted to pet the manta rays. They visited the zoo because Bokuto wanted to see the owl exhibit, and thought that Kenma would like the big cats.

They went to the zoo fairly often.

Kuroo and Akaashi bought them zoo memberships for Christmas.

They didn’t always go out, of course. Kenma did put his foot down sometimes. He learned exactly what would sent Bokuto spiraling down into one of his moods. Sometimes he was annoyed enough that he didn’t care.

Though Bokuto sliding his door open so he could leave an apple pie just inside Kenma’s room as an apology did soften Kenma’s heart a little.

After that, some days they just sat on the couch and played video games. They’d watch stupid movies and eat popcorn (Bokuto ate all the burned bits). Once in awhile they even studied.

It was easy, it was comfortable, and there was absolutely nothing romantic about it.

Until it was.

It wasn’t something Kenma had expected. 

It happened gradually, so slowly he didn’t even notice.

It was Bokuto coming out of the shower wrapped in nothing but a towel, hair down and soft.

It was Bokuto feeding him apple pie when Kenma was finishing a rough boss level.

It was Kenma not even caring that much when a text message from Bokuto ruined his full combo on Love Live.

It was the way Kenma’s heart beat just a little faster when he heard the door open and knew it was Bokuto coming home.

It was how the day didn’t feel complete when Bokuto traveled back to visit his parents.

Even after all that, and a thousand other things, he didn’t put any of it together until he was visiting with Shouyou and complaining until his friend said, “Well, you like him, don’t you?”

That was honestly one of the most horrifying moments of Kozume Kenma’s life.

“No. Of course not,” was his immediate answer. When Shouyou looked at him like he knew better, Kenma wanted to die.

It wasn’t possible. It was absolutely impossible. Romance was something that existed for other people. Kenma did not fall in love.

Except, as he was reluctantly forced to admit, he had.

He left that afternoon with a ton of tips from Shouyou that he wasn’t sure he could believe. Kenma supposed he could’ve gone to Kuroo to ask for advice as well, but his brain shied away from that possibility. 

When he saw Bokuto that night, Kenma felt awkward. 

“Hey, Kenma!” Bokuto said. “Wanna go get dessert with me? I hear they’re having a two for one special down at the diner.”

It shouldn’t’ve been a big deal. They did that three nights out of the week at least, after all.

But it was.

“No thanks,” Kenma said, absconding into his room for the evening.

Monster Hunter got a workout that night, and Kenma almost fell asleep twice in his morning classes.

The next night was scarcely better. Kenma forced himself to stay out in the main room and play Mario Kart with Bokuto, but for once in his life found something that could distract him from video games. Even Bokuto noticed.

“Are you feeling ok?” Bokuto asked after Kenma lost for the third time in a row. Kenma was sitting on the couch, Bokuto on the floor. Bokuto had just gotten out of the shower, and his hair was still wet and dripping down his neck.

“Yes,” Kenma said, trying not to give away the fact that he’d been staring at water droplets rolling down Bokuto’s tan skin.

Romantic feelings opened the door into all sorts of other feelings that Kenma hadn’t exactly explored. Like questions about what it would taste like to lick the water off of Bokuto’s neck. The thoughts felt wrong to him, but they kept intruding anyways.

After Kenma’s ninth death, Bokuto paused the game and turned around. “Are you sure?” He asked. 

“What? Yes. I’m fine.”

“You aren’t acting fine,” Bokuto said, reaching up towards Kenma’s face. 

Kenma pulled back, startled. 

Bokuto stared at him, frowning. “You’re acting weird,” he said. 

The words hit him like a ton of bricks.

“I’m fine, Bo. Really,” he said, trying to force a smile and praying that Bokuto didn’t know him well enough to know it was false. “Maybe we can try a different game?”

“Alright,” Bokuto said, going over to choose.

Kenma barely even heard the names of the games he suggested. He was too busy trying to get himself back under control. Bokuto thinking he was weird was the last thing on earth that he wanted. Nothing had to change.

Things did change, though.

For a while, the change wasn’t that noticeable. They still had lazy afternoons where Bokuto would fall asleep on the couch behind him while Kenma sat on the floor and played video games. Kenma loved those afternoons. When Bokuto was fast asleep he could turn and watch him out of the corner of his eye. Bokuto asleep was beautiful.

At times, Kenma even got brave enough to shape his mouth around those three little words that people in love said to each other. He never said them, of course. Always waited until Bokuto’s back was turned. 

But in the end, it just made him feel creepy. Made him feel like he was weird.

As much as he tried acting like things were normal, distance started to grow between them. Bokuto didn’t understand. It wasn’t Bokuto’s behavior that changed, after all. It was all Kenma, all his fault, his fault and the fault of his stupid heart and his stupid desires.

He couldn’t relax sitting next to Bokuto, because he wanted to touch him. Wanted to run his fingers through the two-toned hair. Wanted to find out what his lips tasted like. That and other things, things he knew only from internet searches and otome games.

He was ruining everything.

All he wanted was to make Bokuto smile, hear him laugh, but Bokuto looked more and more uncertain as time went on. It finally got to the point where there were nights he never even showed up at Kenma’s door to suggest they go out. 

It hurt. Some days Kenma felt like his chest was so tight he was breathing through broken glass. This was why he had never wanted to fall in love. It was useless. 

Even Kuroo noticed.

“What’s wrong with you and Bokuto?” he asked one afternoon. Daichi was visiting his parents and it was one of Kenma’s rare days back in the apartment, and so Kuroo and Kenma were curled up in Kenma’s room relaxing like it was old times.

“What do you mean?” Kenma replied, focusing on the game in his hands.

“I don’t know. You two were getting along so well, but lately it’s like there’s just some wall between you.”

Kenma frowned. “We’re fine,” he said, hoping that his tone of voice would convey that he didn’t want to talk about it.

Kuroo well enough to know that tone of voice. Unfortunately, sometimes he liked to push. “You aren’t fine,” he said. “Bokuto’s been moping around all over the place. He’s convinced he did something to upset you, you know. You, on the other hand, are more withdrawn than I’ve seen you in years.”

The words were like arrows to his heart. Guilt crawled up the back of his throat. He didn’t want Bokuto to think it was his fault. That was the last thing he wanted. Bokuto was innocent in all of this. It was Kenma who had the problem. “Bokuto didn’t do anything wrong,” he said.

“Then what, Kenma?” Kuroo asked, poking his shoulder. “What’s eating you? I hate seeing you like -”

“I told you I’m fine! You aren’t even here often enough to see anyth- ah -”

Kuroo stared at him, shocked, and Kenma had to turn away and bite his lips. He blinked rapidly. This was wrong, all wrong. He never fought with Kuroo, not anymore. Sure he missed him, but that wasn’t the right way to tell him.

He wasn’t angry at Kuroo.

Kuroo was silent for a few moments, then he gave a short laugh. “You’re right,” he said. “I’m not around very often, am I. Sorry.”

He pushed up from the bed behind Kenma and padded to the door. “I’m going to go get something to drink,” he said, leaving the room.

That wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

Kenma turned over and curled up, facing the wall. He felt so wrong inside. All these emotions eating at him drove him nuts. How did people ever actually deal with these things? Everything just hurt, and now he was lashing out and hurting Kuroo, when he was happy that Kuroo was happy with Daichi. And Bokuto thought he was the one to blame?

Fuck. Everything was so fucked up. He just wanted everything to be normal.

He wanted to cry. He never cried. Emotions were stupid.

He heard the door open behind him. A part of Kenma didn’t want Kuroo to come in. Another part wished he would, wanted him to walk over and sit down behind him and rub his back. He wanted Kuroo to be able to read all the things locked away in his heart and tell him exactly what to do.

He took directions well. Kuroo always said he did. Maybe if he could just turn over, invite him in, tell him everything -

But he didn’t want to speak the words, so he just lay there, pretending to be asleep.

After a few minutes the door closed, and he heard Kuroo walk away.

Akaashi lured him out of his room that night with the promise of a home-cooked meal. They played video games and ate. Bokuto laughed again, and smiled at him. His heart hurt with every smile he gave been in return, and he felt Kuroo’s eyes on him the whole time.

He was so afraid that Kuroo would see right through him.

Kuroo stuck around after that, spending more time with them. It made Bokuto happy to have him around. Kuroo and Kenma made up, and spent a few more nights just hanging out by themselves without saying anything about Bokuto. Daichi even came over and hung out with them some nights, even though he had early classes that made it hard for him to spend the night. 

On one level Kenma was thankful. On another level it was hard to be around the two of them when they were so happy.

He broke down one day called Shouyou to talk about it, even if he wasn’t quite convinced that had any clue at all how normal romance worked. Shouyou’s relationship with Kageyama was anything but normal, after all. 

“You should just tell him!” Shouyou said. 

“I can’t.” Kenma said.

What if he hates me? What if he pities me? What if he never wants to touch me again? What if he moves out? A thousand questions that he’d never had to worry about before flooded his brain and just kept coming.

“You should! Otherwise how is anything going to get better?”

The fact that Shouyou made more logical sense than his own brain was just another sign that everything was completely sideways.

“I can’t,” he said again.

“Kenma,” Shouyou said, voice trailing off.

“I’ll call you later.”

He hung up without even waiting for a reply. 

He wished he knew how to make everything ok again.

But he didn’t.

One day he fell asleep on the couch. He didn’t mean to. He was just tired - tired of thinking, tired of hurting, tired of feeling like he was pushing everyone away.

He woke up feeling fingers carded through his hair, and someone murmuring over and over, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

That hurt worse than any of it, especially since he knew the voice was Bokuto’s.

Kenma opened his eyes and felt Bokuto pull his hand back with a short gasp. “Sorry!” Bokuto said.

Kenma reached out and grabbed his wrist, looking into his eyes. “You haven’t done anything wrong, Bo,” he said, heart breaking into a million pieces at the look in the other man’s eyes.

“I haven’t?” Bokuto said. “If I haven’t done anything wrong, then why...?”

Kenma couldn’t help it. He was just so tired of keeping everything closed off. He pushed up, pulling Bokuto closer, and kissed the frown that was making him ache inside.

Bokuto didn’t kiss back.

It took Kenma a moment to realize exactly what he’d done. He let go of Bokuto’s wrist and fell back on the couch, feeling sick at the look on Bokuto’s face. Mumbling apologies he pushed off the couch and ran into his room, slamming the door behind him.

He couldn’t believe he’d actually done it.

That wasn’t what he was supposed to do.

Even in all the advice he’d read and gotten from Shouyou, kissing someone out of the blue was never considered a good thing. He should’ve just told him. Told Kuroo. Told someone whose advice he’d actually listen to, but no. He had to kiss him.

After a few minutes he heard Bokuto get up from the couch. Kenma wondered if Bokuto would come to his bedroom to talk. A part of him was terrified at the idea, another part wanted so badly to just talk things out and get it over with. 

It didn’t matter, because he heard Bokuto walk to the front door and go out, leaving Kenma alone in the apartment.

He did cry then.

No one invited him to dinner that night.

The next few days were hard. Bokuto didn’t say a word to him. He didn’t ignore him either, just watched him and did his own thing, spending part of his time in his room.

It was just a little creepy to have Bokuto sit on the couch and watch him as he got a cup of tea in the kitchen. Bokuto’s gaze was intense. Kenma wasn’t used to being the recipient of so much focused attention.

He wanted to ask why he was staring, but an apology he couldn’t voice kept getting in the way.

In some ways, though, it wasn’t as bad as he hoped. Kuroo didn’t come and bother him about it, so he assumed Bokuto hadn’t told him. Bokuto didn’t say he wanted him to move out.

Strangely enough, it was almost a relief to have it out in the open. At least now hopefully Bokuto would know it wasn’t his fault.

Because it wasn’t.

A few days later he came home to find a board game on his bed, with a note on top that said, “we should play this!”

It was almost a relief.

Not that Kenma was a fan of board games - much less children’s games about owls - but it was an opportunity.

Maybe Bokuto just wanted things to go back to normal. 

Maybe Kenma could do normal. It was better than what he had been doing, after all.

Maybe they could just be friends.

He opened the box and read the rules, brow furrowing. It didn’t look interesting, but he knew how much Bokuto loved owls. If he wanted to play, they would.

He took the box out and set it on the floor in front of the couch, then knocked on Bokuto’s door.

“Yes?” Bokuto said.

“Are you ready to play?” He asked.

“Sure! Give me a few minutes.”

It felt normal. It felt good. Kenma wandered back out and sat down, setting up the game as he waited for Bokuto to join him.

The game was stupid, and childish, but it made Bokuto smile with something resembling his normal joy. The game was supposed to be cooperative but they were competitive about it anyway. If Kenma pulled back when their hands brushed together, Bokuto didn’t mention it. 

In the end, it was Bokuto who won.

“That was fun!” Bokuto said, smiling at him with the same brilliant smile that always accompanied a win.

Kenma nodded, looking down to hide a smile. “It was.”

Then Bokuto was reaching across and taking his hand. Kenma looked up, startled.

“Do you like me?” Bokuto asked.

Kenma just blinked at him. Wasn’t that obvious?

Bokuto stared at him as he didn’t answer, then tilted his head to the side, squeezing his hand and letting go. “I think you do,” he said.

Kenma swallowed. “I-”

“I didn’t know,” Bokuto said, interrupting him. “I hadn’t even thought that you might. I mean, from what Kuroo said, you never showed any interest in anyone in high school, and well I thought um.”

Bokuto frowned, seemingly lost in thought. 

“To tell you the truth,” Bokuto said, “I hadn’t really thought about liking you either. I mean, not like that. You’re like one of my best bros, you know? My little quiet cat bro.”

Kenma nodded, looking to the side. He wondered if this was what it meant to be friend-zoned. 

Being best bros was ok, though.

He could live with best bros.

It wasn’t like a romantic relationship was more important than a close friendship, after all. His friendship with Kuroo was entirely platonic and was the most important relationship in his life. He could get over his feelings for Bokuto. It would be fine. They could go back to normal. It would be fine.

“You’re actually pretty cute though,” Bokuto said.

What?

“I mean, it shocked me. The kiss, I mean. And like I said, I just hadn’t thought about it before. But I really like spending time with you, and I like seeing you. You’re special. So like, um. Do you want to try it?”

“What?” Kenma said, mind immediately going places it probably shouldn’t, places he really wasn’t ready for yet.

“Ah!” Bokuto said, looking to the side, cheeks flushing. “Dating, I mean. Dating. Do you want to try it? I mean, just to see if we....”

Oh.

Dating.

Ok, yeah, that made a lot more sense.

Kenma nodded, looking down at the board between them.

“Awesome,” Bokuto whispered. He reached across and took Kenma’s hand again, squeezing it lightly. 

Kenma stared at it, still not entirely sure what had just happened.

But he was smiling.

He squeezed back.

It might not work. He had no clue what he was doing. He didn’t even know what all he really wanted, or what Bokuto wanted, but maybe, just maybe they could figure out together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to freakofnature and Dante for beta reading this today and providing feedback. Obviously, any issues that remain are mine and mine alone. 
> 
> Also, the game mentioned is "Hoot Owl Hoot" which I was introuced to by my friend's twitter rp Bokuto @OwlAce4 ^_^


End file.
